Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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