just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
