i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
