Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
