The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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