he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
