i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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