I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
