Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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