My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
