if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
handjob tips. give me some.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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