we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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