From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
