Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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