New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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