The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
