So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
