I faked an abortion last night.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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