My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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