I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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