Yo dont text me then not text me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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