If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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