got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
