dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
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I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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