a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
