the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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