Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
