I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
