Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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