so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
