My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
