If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
