Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
