Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
