I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
