I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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