you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
