Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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