I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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