I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
