Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
