Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
