is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
