When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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