Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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