my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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