I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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