now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she peed on how many people?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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