I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
