why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
