probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
