you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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