Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize