Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
