Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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