Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
