just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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