Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
